verse

I’m leanin’ now onto the mirror,
I’m speakin meekly to myself,
And I’ve just lost the war of terror,
And sun of hope no ray has left.

Smth again inside me’s dying,
No one to help, no wish to speak,
Beneath the masks and fear hiding,
You all broke friendship like the freaks.

Cause nobody’s fighting for trust,
These fools keep proving disgust,
On their way to be lost,
These gangsters still kill brothers,
No eye’s wink to bother,
To where it leads?
I close my eyes, start dreamin’ to see,
Ahead to stars and at sea,
To hold a hand trustworthy,
I’ve won a lifelong trophy,
I’ve got it thru hardships and riskin’,
Let me praise the treasures,
Stay honest, listenin’ to instincts,
Don’t mind the pleasures
/ I wrote it yesterday, it was 1/11/06, I had a conflict with the family, we all had demands to each other, though I always stay away from trifles/ we screamed at each other, ruined some of our precious nerves and they got drunk and went to bed, while I was left with my bitter insult, misunderstanding and the feeling of guiltiness.
But that was yesterday, what about today? Im sickly tired, exhausted, kinda depressed and weary. I feel like the flu gonna soon get with me, conquer me completely, but I try to stand it. I read today about the fact in psychology that impotence is powerful too, but I cant get why. I see one person declines me to be with him, though I quit thinking of it and that’s why im free from these type of thoughts, moreover, I don’t want it at all. I see he has changed, but slightly, even though smths are not in his nature. Undoubtedly, he is hangin up on me, while I’m on my way to get along with others guys and girls. Besides, im tired of Vera too, I’m fed up with her emptiness and selfishness towards me, I cant get a key to her heart, probably im not speaking right, or just she’s not interested: she interrupts, telling only about her problems and demands and wishes me to think of her first before I ask to do smth 4 me. Isn’t it stupidly egoistic?
I profoundly understand now my feelings and her thoughts about that when we had a big quarrel at sea. She considered my impulses to be groundless fads about her harsh and mocking jokes about me/ she always was saying that I’m too serious and I have a bad sense of humour. I was too sensitive with her as I highly appreciated our friendship, but I don’t think it was only my mistakes in reaction. But one wiser person could predict that thing and just explain at once that he or she didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, but she preferred to offend first and to give my offensive attacks a hostile reception. That was what it all had started from and even today this matter is not closed. Too bad there too little understanding between us.