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Too many mistakes done in recent day: smoking forbidden stuff, drinking too much and almost every, lust under no control... and no sunshine, except flowers on my birthday! I was too tender, too polite, kind, i have to be a bitch, living according to my rules more strictly and no openning the doors for strangers in hope of finding ur prince. What is my way and why should i care more than anybody just because i am born to be open - hearted, sympathetic and sincere?
Irreplaceable. And i don't like sharing my bed with smb, prepare the breakfast for him or even have querrels all the time and then feel the worst inside? Never Again!
понедельник, 26 ноября 2007 г.
воскресенье, 11 ноября 2007 г.
Hunting for guys and new working opportunities
Saturday night i spent in casino, spending my dad's money i wasn't able to realize such inconvenience. But we pressed the buttons of all the possible fruit machines though winning no more than we dropt/ Thus we came really early out of there coz' were disappointed.
We went to the Irish pub "Saint James' Gate" on the Rembrandt square, the famous places, both square and pub. There we were about to take some bier and coke while my dad was talking to some English women. It was hard to call them ladies coz' ladies don't call at such vulgar places, though there were almost always many Britains. I was actually hoping that there would be a guy that we've met there a week or more ago. I was impressed and wished to get acquainted with him more closely if it were possible. But i was without my spectacles or lenses and it was hard to distinguish anybody.
But before we realized there was no guy we looked for, a strange man was making an unpleasant talk with my next of kin. He looked aggressive and God knows what would happens next a manager interfered and suddenly my dad made a step to ask if there was a boy working here and how could we get smth about him. He was really nice to help us. We found out that his name was Fergle and he worked the next day from 9 till 5 in the day time. We were in the loveliest mood ever.
The next day i decided that i'd better go alone to meet Fergle coz it would look strange if my dad accompanied me. So i was very persistent and stubborn in my decision, though i was pressed in time coz' we returned home almost in the morning and got up late. Beside i nearly lost my lense, waited long for the tram, trembled inside so hard and was running in order to be on time and have a chance to meet him.
When i got there everything went simple: i asked for smth really Irish and got him at my hand next to me. So i told him that i had been there with my dad a week or so before and i liked him and decided to come to get acquainted. He was flattered of course and astonished i supposed. Though i made a first step and even invited him for a walk he told me he had a girlfriend and relations for a year or so. I was upset but not much coz' i saw a ring beforehand on his right! ringfinger (if he's a catholic then he should wear it on his left ringfinger - if he was married of course). But i guess not. He left me with my bitter bier and destiny loaf. I went away simply/
But anyway that was a flash of a bright beginning with my personal life in this country.
Next stop are Max and Dima. They live here, one for month yet, the other for some years i guess coz' he studies at HvO, a close place to the gym i train in with my dad working. So they really want to meet me and we got each others' cell numbers, by the way they r my compatriots.
I will meet them soon.
Oh, forgot to mention. I had already met with one of my heart or friends candidates. He is nice, his name is Lesha just like my ex-bf with whom i dated for 3 years and of course the other of Moroz, that bastard. But anyway he is a ballet dancer at the National Ballet in Amsterdam, a very famous one, which travels thru Europe and maybe worldwide, i'm not sure. So we were chatting for some time, he phoned me several times and finally i picked the phone, we met and had a great time. But i wouldn't date him as my bf, just friends. Not my type.
Next is Anthony, the afro-american guy from Maarstricht. He was charmed by my appearance and sends me messages more and more. But i havent decided yet to come to his place or not. Too far away for smth i'vent seen and faced with/
But my tiniest and most precious love detail is Juris.We chat a lot, i hear his voice and i melt easily and fast. His tender barritone trots down my spine and feel full of energy, warmed and caressed. I really fell for him, i want him to be with me at least as a friend and i know he wouldnt resist me if i press a bit, i dont know why but i have such a feeling. One day.
We went to the Irish pub "Saint James' Gate" on the Rembrandt square, the famous places, both square and pub. There we were about to take some bier and coke while my dad was talking to some English women. It was hard to call them ladies coz' ladies don't call at such vulgar places, though there were almost always many Britains. I was actually hoping that there would be a guy that we've met there a week or more ago. I was impressed and wished to get acquainted with him more closely if it were possible. But i was without my spectacles or lenses and it was hard to distinguish anybody.
But before we realized there was no guy we looked for, a strange man was making an unpleasant talk with my next of kin. He looked aggressive and God knows what would happens next a manager interfered and suddenly my dad made a step to ask if there was a boy working here and how could we get smth about him. He was really nice to help us. We found out that his name was Fergle and he worked the next day from 9 till 5 in the day time. We were in the loveliest mood ever.
The next day i decided that i'd better go alone to meet Fergle coz it would look strange if my dad accompanied me. So i was very persistent and stubborn in my decision, though i was pressed in time coz' we returned home almost in the morning and got up late. Beside i nearly lost my lense, waited long for the tram, trembled inside so hard and was running in order to be on time and have a chance to meet him.
When i got there everything went simple: i asked for smth really Irish and got him at my hand next to me. So i told him that i had been there with my dad a week or so before and i liked him and decided to come to get acquainted. He was flattered of course and astonished i supposed. Though i made a first step and even invited him for a walk he told me he had a girlfriend and relations for a year or so. I was upset but not much coz' i saw a ring beforehand on his right! ringfinger (if he's a catholic then he should wear it on his left ringfinger - if he was married of course). But i guess not. He left me with my bitter bier and destiny loaf. I went away simply/
But anyway that was a flash of a bright beginning with my personal life in this country.
Next stop are Max and Dima. They live here, one for month yet, the other for some years i guess coz' he studies at HvO, a close place to the gym i train in with my dad working. So they really want to meet me and we got each others' cell numbers, by the way they r my compatriots.
I will meet them soon.
Oh, forgot to mention. I had already met with one of my heart or friends candidates. He is nice, his name is Lesha just like my ex-bf with whom i dated for 3 years and of course the other of Moroz, that bastard. But anyway he is a ballet dancer at the National Ballet in Amsterdam, a very famous one, which travels thru Europe and maybe worldwide, i'm not sure. So we were chatting for some time, he phoned me several times and finally i picked the phone, we met and had a great time. But i wouldn't date him as my bf, just friends. Not my type.
Next is Anthony, the afro-american guy from Maarstricht. He was charmed by my appearance and sends me messages more and more. But i havent decided yet to come to his place or not. Too far away for smth i'vent seen and faced with/
But my tiniest and most precious love detail is Juris.We chat a lot, i hear his voice and i melt easily and fast. His tender barritone trots down my spine and feel full of energy, warmed and caressed. I really fell for him, i want him to be with me at least as a friend and i know he wouldnt resist me if i press a bit, i dont know why but i have such a feeling. One day.
суббота, 10 ноября 2007 г.
Message to my prison love
Отбрось пустое сквернословье-
Таит оно немало ран.
Ты нежен будь и благосклонен,
Любви пусть будет твой покорен стан.
Не бойся ненавидеть блажь:
Вся суть её растает быстро,
Шаги пргокладывая к цели,
В кармане не забудь кураж.
Погаснем оба под дождём,
Но глупо расцветут сердца.
В объятья ветра страсть зажжём,
Тепло поддержим до конца.
Не стоит урезать свободу,
Порою мимолётен век.
Сегодня выберем свободу,
Вчера спланировав побег.
23.11.2006 23:47
***
Твоя любовь - мираж пустыни,
Похожий на лучину лжи,
Согретый лаской дух противоречья,
Запрет прикосновения к мечте,
Она лишь идеальна,
Отнюдь не мы с тобой.
Пишу от скуки,
Нет смерти и желанья быть,
Подрежь мне крылья, но позволь любить.
Страдания впускаешь в душу,
Не лучше ль одинокой слыть?
Свободу загребать горстями
И сны свои забвенно пить,
Полмира обнимать руками
И гения в стихах открыть.
Внезапно полюбив,
Ожогов не минуешь.
Где пряник,
Там и кнут гостит,
А гордость робко дремлет.
Вдохнёшь мелодию пожара,
И просто вдруг погаснет дух...
august-september 2006
Таит оно немало ран.
Ты нежен будь и благосклонен,
Любви пусть будет твой покорен стан.
Не бойся ненавидеть блажь:
Вся суть её растает быстро,
Шаги пргокладывая к цели,
В кармане не забудь кураж.
Погаснем оба под дождём,
Но глупо расцветут сердца.
В объятья ветра страсть зажжём,
Тепло поддержим до конца.
Не стоит урезать свободу,
Порою мимолётен век.
Сегодня выберем свободу,
Вчера спланировав побег.
23.11.2006 23:47
***
Твоя любовь - мираж пустыни,
Похожий на лучину лжи,
Согретый лаской дух противоречья,
Запрет прикосновения к мечте,
Она лишь идеальна,
Отнюдь не мы с тобой.
Пишу от скуки,
Нет смерти и желанья быть,
Подрежь мне крылья, но позволь любить.
Страдания впускаешь в душу,
Не лучше ль одинокой слыть?
Свободу загребать горстями
И сны свои забвенно пить,
Полмира обнимать руками
И гения в стихах открыть.
Внезапно полюбив,
Ожогов не минуешь.
Где пряник,
Там и кнут гостит,
А гордость робко дремлет.
Вдохнёшь мелодию пожара,
И просто вдруг погаснет дух...
august-september 2006
The Dream of Happiness
Под тёплым одеялом страсть,
Покрылось доброй лаской тело,
Откуда ты тогда взялась -
Глухая безответственность в ответе?
Тону в беспечном сне блаженно,
Приличие сгорает робко;
Вновь спичка поджигает воду,
Вновь воздухом питаю сопло.
07.12. 2006 14:06
Покрылось доброй лаской тело,
Откуда ты тогда взялась -
Глухая безответственность в ответе?
Тону в беспечном сне блаженно,
Приличие сгорает робко;
Вновь спичка поджигает воду,
Вновь воздухом питаю сопло.
07.12. 2006 14:06
My current mind blocks
Why just gloomy 's my perception,
Why i stopped kick ass to action,
Why my hardships sail beside,
Why the problems must i hide?
Bein' abused among old chaps,
Face in mud and tastes disgrace.
Love and lust become a trap.
Aint no good in making steps.
Hardly ever made success,
Strong enough to pass a test,
Contradiction presses hard,
There's no rest and there's no guard/
13.12.06 23:25
Why i stopped kick ass to action,
Why my hardships sail beside,
Why the problems must i hide?
Bein' abused among old chaps,
Face in mud and tastes disgrace.
Love and lust become a trap.
Aint no good in making steps.
Hardly ever made success,
Strong enough to pass a test,
Contradiction presses hard,
There's no rest and there's no guard/
13.12.06 23:25
What i am deep inside subcosciously
Обтянут характер их синими знаками,
Порою окутанный тёмными тайнами,
Их речь агрессивна, их правда верна,
Сраженье привычно, победа легка.
Слепой их удаче положено быть,
Порокам сдаваться и стервами слыть.
Прогнёмся под небом,
Позволим любить,
Себя надрывая,
Скитаясь, парим.
22.11.06 23:19
Порою окутанный тёмными тайнами,
Их речь агрессивна, их правда верна,
Сраженье привычно, победа легка.
Слепой их удаче положено быть,
Порокам сдаваться и стервами слыть.
Прогнёмся под небом,
Позволим любить,
Себя надрывая,
Скитаясь, парим.
22.11.06 23:19
Verse earlier
Нет в мире места,
Где я покой найти могу;
Нет больше боли,
Я с ветром лишь бегу,
Я с ним свободной избирала доли,
И этот мир всего лишь жалкое начало
Стремительной моей судьбы;
Теперь совсем я одичала,
И прежней нет мольбы.
От горестей измучивших меня
Убийственным своим изъяном,
Я избрала теперь тебя,
Не воткнув при этом жала.
Не надо больше громких слов,
Я не хочу чресчур прельщаться,
И больше нет наивных снов,
Я в них хочу лишь улыбаться.
Да, не увидеть больше боли
В зеркале своём хочу.
Я только в облаках витать теперь хочу,
Но только вот теперь с одним крылом,
И оставлять свиданья на потом...
23.06.02 10:20 pm
This one i wrote some years ago but it fits me now partly, but rare people read them, so be glad now to have it!
Где я покой найти могу;
Нет больше боли,
Я с ветром лишь бегу,
Я с ним свободной избирала доли,
И этот мир всего лишь жалкое начало
Стремительной моей судьбы;
Теперь совсем я одичала,
И прежней нет мольбы.
От горестей измучивших меня
Убийственным своим изъяном,
Я избрала теперь тебя,
Не воткнув при этом жала.
Не надо больше громких слов,
Я не хочу чресчур прельщаться,
И больше нет наивных снов,
Я в них хочу лишь улыбаться.
Да, не увидеть больше боли
В зеркале своём хочу.
Я только в облаках витать теперь хочу,
Но только вот теперь с одним крылом,
И оставлять свиданья на потом...
23.06.02 10:20 pm
This one i wrote some years ago but it fits me now partly, but rare people read them, so be glad now to have it!
Walkin withing the depressing and lonely lines
Since i'm in the other world, different from the one i used to be living in, laughing, enjoying, loving, suffering but feeling quite in the place, i'm now puzzled, disturbed and lonesome. Seldom seeing somebody, seldom having everyday pleasures, take at least jokes, they come and go but aint staying if i even wanted them. I dont have enough people around me whom i love and we exchange the warm atmosphere and obtain cosy relatioship/
The pictures i draw now are shattered, grey and gloomy. It's not the whole things but the parts of them, part of love, parts of friendship, family, friends and occupation. I'm not used, i thought,looking at strong people who came thru many obstacles to archieve their goals, i can do it too. But i'm not so active, so full of initiative, though i'm straight forward and persistent and very serious,but the way,truly responsible. Only when i have already smth to possess and decide what to do,in the case i got a job, got a friend or a definite any other situation.
I'm not a lider, not a hawk that soars in the sky for its dinner alone, on his own. I'm a wolf in the pack. Doing the same things along with the others, dealing with the same troubles, hunting for the sake of food for the whole troop.
The family is so far from me, though i stick to my father, whom i never knew in my entire life. I came to find him out when i was 11 and before that i thought my mom's husband to be my real one dad. I was even more surprised when i saw the other photos of my parents' first marriage and it actually gave reason why i had the different patronimic name from my step dad. My mom concealed i had a different surname too and i only dfaced it when i had to be given my 9 grades education certificate. Totally a mess when i heard my name in the end of the list.
But still we kept in touch with my dad though he came to see me when i finished school, too late to see my prom, butnever too late to recover, i thought.
No i live with him and i take all the advice my mom stuffed my head with in order not to be pushed away homeless. Cruel world with its unchangeable profitable rules! How come when misunderstanding can lead to the biggest crash between closest relatives and tear the bonds so easy? It's unspeakable/ He was about to send me back one day when he was drunk and we had a fight about who-knows-what/
But one never imagines how rude and tough my relations are with my mom. Tears, Bruises, Yelps, followed by Swears but easy Make up/ I love her and hate her more than anything in this world. I miss her a lot.
Now i'm lonely, no gossips, no quarrels, no consolations, no total care. I dreamt of it, i knew i would hate it too. As i do it now. Is it the way i should walk now, i should live now??? No it's my pet hate/ I don't wanna get used to it/Unbearable
The pictures i draw now are shattered, grey and gloomy. It's not the whole things but the parts of them, part of love, parts of friendship, family, friends and occupation. I'm not used, i thought,looking at strong people who came thru many obstacles to archieve their goals, i can do it too. But i'm not so active, so full of initiative, though i'm straight forward and persistent and very serious,but the way,truly responsible. Only when i have already smth to possess and decide what to do,in the case i got a job, got a friend or a definite any other situation.
I'm not a lider, not a hawk that soars in the sky for its dinner alone, on his own. I'm a wolf in the pack. Doing the same things along with the others, dealing with the same troubles, hunting for the sake of food for the whole troop.
The family is so far from me, though i stick to my father, whom i never knew in my entire life. I came to find him out when i was 11 and before that i thought my mom's husband to be my real one dad. I was even more surprised when i saw the other photos of my parents' first marriage and it actually gave reason why i had the different patronimic name from my step dad. My mom concealed i had a different surname too and i only dfaced it when i had to be given my 9 grades education certificate. Totally a mess when i heard my name in the end of the list.
But still we kept in touch with my dad though he came to see me when i finished school, too late to see my prom, butnever too late to recover, i thought.
No i live with him and i take all the advice my mom stuffed my head with in order not to be pushed away homeless. Cruel world with its unchangeable profitable rules! How come when misunderstanding can lead to the biggest crash between closest relatives and tear the bonds so easy? It's unspeakable/ He was about to send me back one day when he was drunk and we had a fight about who-knows-what/
But one never imagines how rude and tough my relations are with my mom. Tears, Bruises, Yelps, followed by Swears but easy Make up/ I love her and hate her more than anything in this world. I miss her a lot.
Now i'm lonely, no gossips, no quarrels, no consolations, no total care. I dreamt of it, i knew i would hate it too. As i do it now. Is it the way i should walk now, i should live now??? No it's my pet hate/ I don't wanna get used to it/Unbearable
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