Walkin withing the depressing and lonely lines

Since i'm in the other world, different from the one i used to be living in, laughing, enjoying, loving, suffering but feeling quite in the place, i'm now puzzled, disturbed and lonesome. Seldom seeing somebody, seldom having everyday pleasures, take at least jokes, they come and go but aint staying if i even wanted them. I dont have enough people around me whom i love and we exchange the warm atmosphere and obtain cosy relatioship/
The pictures i draw now are shattered, grey and gloomy. It's not the whole things but the parts of them, part of love, parts of friendship, family, friends and occupation. I'm not used, i thought,looking at strong people who came thru many obstacles to archieve their goals, i can do it too. But i'm not so active, so full of initiative, though i'm straight forward and persistent and very serious,but the way,truly responsible. Only when i have already smth to possess and decide what to do,in the case i got a job, got a friend or a definite any other situation.
I'm not a lider, not a hawk that soars in the sky for its dinner alone, on his own. I'm a wolf in the pack. Doing the same things along with the others, dealing with the same troubles, hunting for the sake of food for the whole troop.
The family is so far from me, though i stick to my father, whom i never knew in my entire life. I came to find him out when i was 11 and before that i thought my mom's husband to be my real one dad. I was even more surprised when i saw the other photos of my parents' first marriage and it actually gave reason why i had the different patronimic name from my step dad. My mom concealed i had a different surname too and i only dfaced it when i had to be given my 9 grades education certificate. Totally a mess when i heard my name in the end of the list.
But still we kept in touch with my dad though he came to see me when i finished school, too late to see my prom, butnever too late to recover, i thought.
No i live with him and i take all the advice my mom stuffed my head with in order not to be pushed away homeless. Cruel world with its unchangeable profitable rules! How come when misunderstanding can lead to the biggest crash between closest relatives and tear the bonds so easy? It's unspeakable/ He was about to send me back one day when he was drunk and we had a fight about who-knows-what/
But one never imagines how rude and tough my relations are with my mom. Tears, Bruises, Yelps, followed by Swears but easy Make up/ I love her and hate her more than anything in this world. I miss her a lot.
Now i'm lonely, no gossips, no quarrels, no consolations, no total care. I dreamt of it, i knew i would hate it too. As i do it now. Is it the way i should walk now, i should live now??? No it's my pet hate/ I don't wanna get used to it/Unbearable